My life thus far.

Well, where do I start. It has been one hell of a month.
I have gone from a blubbering mess on the floor, almost begging him not to leave me to where I am now.
Pete took a week of work and we spent it at the farm. Almost everything that was said was from me. I guess there isn't much he could say, but he did try to blame it on me. I wasn't there for him emotionally, I spent too much money so he had to work harder to pay for mine and the kids lifestyle. Rah Rah fucking Rah.
You know what? I'm NOT to blame. I didn't call her, I didn't have dinner with her on many occasions, I didn't put his dick in her on more than on occasion. I am NOT to blame. He is 46yo. He has a brain and made his own choices.
The thing that I'm so angry about is, the first week we started fighting about money, he picked on me cause I was too skinny, not good enough at the housework, garden etc. That week I groveled like a fucking kicked dog. He asked me to get his motorbike resisted, cut his hair, etc. All so he could get away to see Carol quickly on Saturday morning. I feel I did all I could to get them together without me knowing. All whilst sucking up his arse. This can not be forgiven.
Now it is his turn to grovel. I have told him that I need to fix my world, not our world. I need to work on ME and what MY needs in life are. He is part of my life NOT my whole life. Same as the money, house, farm, company etc. I think he has shit himself that I'm finally after all these (20) years I'm sticking up for myself. Right now I understand that just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to stay with them if your not happy.
I'm starting counseling next week. Right now I feel strong and healthy, but I know I'm not really, as I'm still using tablets to sleep and it is always on my mind.
I was obsessed with where they went, how long they spoke on the phone etc. None of that matters, I was just punishing myself over this. It really doesn't matter the fact is that HE did it of HIS own free will.
I feel such an invasion of privacy as I know they spoke about me alot, Our company has a website with my photo (and its the worst one) and my mobile number as well as things I have done for the company. She knows SO much about me.
As far as I know he hasn't contacted her for about 3 weeks, well not on his mobile anyway. I told him that if he did, I will not negotiate and I'm gone.
After adding up mobile calls, some dinners (still waiting for the visa statement) B&Bs drinks and loss of wages as he was with her, this little affair has cost us about $6000. Looking at receipts she didn't pay for a thing.
If she contacts him or is in our life in any way revenge with start.
I will put all her details (name, home mobile and work phone numbers, work address) on blog page. I have spoke to another blogger who is willing to do the same. I will out those deails on every comment I make, and comment on blogs from overseas or anything I come across. I will email her boss, and send letters and finally pay a visit to her when im in the area distributing pamphlets of what sort of a person she is to all her neighbours. If she stays aways, she will be safe from my rage.
I still weigh 58kgs, I'm looking smoking hot. Have a new short hair cut and colour. I know Pete will hate it but life is all about ME so I don't care.
I will start back at the gym next week and getting life back to normal.
I'm still dealing with my kids, they have been very hurt and confused about all this.
I will keep you up to date with my life.
Thanks again for every ones support.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Life is alittle brighter.

Life is looking up. I'm not going to go in to all the details here, but I do know that this little romance with the pensioner was only going on for about 2 and half weeks. I have access to all the phone records credit card statements etc. I know much more than the thinks I do. I even have found out where the woman works. So If need be I can upset her lovely life. Right now I choose not too. She is what I like to call the snot in a cold. Pete and I have the cold, she is the snot. No cold = no snot..LOL
We have spend hours and hour and hours talking. I honestly believe things will work out. If not then I know I have tried 10000% with the marriage and that its not meant to be. Its a time will tell thing.
I'm on sleeping tablets now and im weening myself off them this week, I'm starting to be able to eat again. This is not worth getting myself sick over, I need to be well and strong for both my kids and myself.

On another note, I was in Bunnings today, looking for a new pot for my fav African Violet and low and behold, the manager walked up to me and offered me a job. LMAO.
At this stage it is for stocktake but who know what will happen. (Mind you somehow I dont think Bunnings if for me) So I took the job.
So the sun is shining again, and we are both doing our best to keep the clouds away.

Thank you so much Miss Kitty. I have missed ya hard bitch!

Is Life Really Fucked?

I still don't know. I'm still riding this roller coaster. Still not sleeping. Eating bugger all. It's so hard to work this stuff out when my Husband is away and won't be home until about Wed. He did say he will take a week off to spend time with us.
I understand why he did it but I can't accept that he did do it...Make sense?
One day I'm all agreeing on trying to work things out, the next day we are trying to work out a suitable payout so we don't have to go though the courts in the divorce.
He admits it was SO wrong what he did but why can't we move on and forget about it? he doesn't understand how violated I feel.
I'm not a 100% angel in this marriage. I do take him for granted etc... Maybe its because I hardly see him. Maybe 1.5 days a week or fortnight. I think we have both forgotten what the word marriage means. We are reaching for the stars to set ourselves up for the rest of our lives and grabbing more than one, but our relationship is suffering almost beyond repair.
I have decided to get a job. For many reasons, I'm the bored rich housewife who's brain is going to mush. Also I feel in contributing to the finances, not just spending them. Mind you I do work a full time job, helping run the company and bring up 2 kids. Not to mention the bloody zoo we have here.
I'm a qualified swim teacher!! In fact I'm an Austswim assessor. I have worked hard to get this qualified. I can work casually, earn a few buck, work the brain and FREE GYM!!
Any thoughts?

Oooops

Before I forget, Look how bloody skinny I am? check out that ticker. Fuck stress is great for weightloss! I use to hear people say that, but I use to always eat when I was stressed. In a way its a shame this didnt happen 10kgs ago, that way I wouldnt have had to bloody dieted so much..LOL
Yes my readers you have to laugh.

I am a WINNER!!

Morning all. Yet again its a non sleeping night. I tend to go to sleep about 11 and wake about 12-1am and that's it for the night. Its 2am LOL
Yesterday I had my tennis grand final. I'm a B grade player, and have said when I stop laughing and start getting serious about it all, that is when I'm giving the sport up.
Right now I'm loving it and the woman I play with. (Get your head out of the gutter Kitty!! LOL)
As the title says I'm a winner. Yep our B grade Ladies Wed Morning team won!
We play one singles match, ( I won 6-5, with a great come back from being down 4-1)
Then by the time I finished the first doubles match, we had won on points. Being a good sport and despite the rain, we still played out second doubles game.
Gee I really noticed how my fitness as come along. I think we won because we out ran them and wore them out, not a damn thing to do with skill. LOL
I got a gift voucher at the local handbag shop for my efforts.
Would you also believe that I won 2 raffles..LOL During our end of season luncheon we have a continuous raffle. I won a platter and make up bag.
I honestly had the best day out that I have had for a long time.

Not to mention the fact that for once in my life I have my husband groveling to me, not the other way around.

I feel empowered and liberated!!!

Using phone records, I have found out that this all started about the 10th of June. I did notice that an old phone bill was laying around a week or so back and he was checking it out. Something he never does.
I found out all the info as I have online billing!!
Once the credit card statements come in I will be able to work out where the took her etc. I know he would use this card as due to the nature of our business all these are tax deductible.

Once again thank you all so much for all your support. Its wonderful to be able to vent on here.
XXXXXXX

The rollercoaster is slowing down,,,,I think,,

Its 3.40am as I type this. Sleep is something that was once a distant memory. I'm lucky to be getting 3 hours a night since this happened. I've gone from disbelief to rage, hurt, and back again. He told me he wanted to get his road bike registered so he could ride it again. I was the one who did all the work to get this done. As I don't have a licence, I had to walk all over town getting, a pink slip (roadworthy) and green slip (3rd party insurance, yes NSW is fucked the way they do this stuff.) and to the RTA many times as i didn't know I had to do all this stuff. All so he could meet with his pensioner (thanks for that word Kitty..LOL) Yes my friends this woman was in her 50's LMAO. To think I was worried that I found 3 grey pubes. I feel like smashing this bike with a hammer. This bike is a GSXR1000. Worth more than many cars. This was how he got to meet his nanna.
But do I lower myself to this...I think not. I am a survivor, I'm strong, I'm woman hear me roar. My husband is or should I say was quite controlling. This had changed. The ball is in my court now. I told him I'm no longer that down trodden wife, who he wouldn't let work outside our company, or have any real friendships. I feel like getting my hair cut really short, or something different for me because im now a different person. The only think that is stopping me is that my hair takes 100yrs to grow so if I hate it, I'm stuck with it.
Right now I hate him and wont take any of his phone calls. When we do talk, he keeps saying that he is so sorry and he fucked up.
But I wonder...Is he truly sorry for hurting me? or sorry for getting caught? or sorry the fucking million dollar plus payout that I would be getting if I left him?
Time will tell.....
Thank you all so much for your support. There arn't any quick and easy answers to this problem, only time. Lucky Ive got plenty of that.